When my fiancée Jen met my tight-knit, prank-loving family, I warned them not to “test” her like they do with every new woman. But on my wedding day, the women arrived grinning in white dresses, defying my ultimatum! Furious, I moved to kick them out — but Jen grabbed the mic and stunned us all.
I never thought my wedding day would turn into a battlefield, but that’s what happens when you come from a family like mine.
Don’t get me wrong, I love them. But the women in my family? They’re something else entirely.
Picture this: a swarm of aunts, cousins, my mom, stepmom, stepsister, and my grandmother, all bound together by their shared love of what they called “playful teasing.”
The rest of us called it what it was: bullying wrapped in a family tradition bow.
Growing up, I watched them tear through relationships like tissue paper. My cousin Mike’s first girlfriend lasted exactly one family dinner before she excused herself to the bathroom and climbed out the window.
My sister-in-law Kelly spent three months crying after every family gathering before she finally “earned her place.”
Even my dad’s second wife, now my stepmom, had to weather six months of subtle jabs and not-so-subtle critiques before they accepted her.
“It builds character,” my mom always said whenever I complained about their antics. “Besides, everyone goes through it. It’s how we know they’re really family.”
More like how you know they’re broken enough to join the club,” I muttered once, earning myself a month of silent treatment.
Their favorite sport? “Testing” any new woman who dared to enter our family circle. They’d pick apart everything from her clothes to her career choices until she either broke down or proved herself worthy.
Then, like some twisted initiation ritual, the victim would usually join their ranks, ready to torment the next newcomer.
When I met Jen, I knew she was different. Smart, confident, and kind in a way that made you feel seen.
I also knew my family would eat her alive if given the chance. So when I introduced her, I laid down the law.
“No harassment,” I told them firmly at our first family dinner together. “I mean it. Jen’s off limits.”
They smiled and nodded, all innocent faces and promises. I should have known better.
Two weeks later, my cousin Ben showed me the comments they’d left on Jen’s Facebook page. They’d been roasting Jen behind my back, picking apart everything from her “basic” career in marketing to her “try-hard” volunteer work at the animal shelter.
I saw red.
“Delete every last one of those comments on Jen’s Facebook!” I demanded in our family group chat. “Apologize to Jen or none of you are coming to the wedding. Not even Mom! I’m not kidding.”